I run most of my miles alone, so it doesn't bother me at all to be alone. But, it can be scary because now I am alone with my thoughts. Sometimes when I'm running for a long time, I hear meanness in my head. Screaming at me that I am ridiculous for pushing on. That it's my pride that propels me to run so hard and then go back for more. This certainly started to happen yesterday as I slammed into fatigue and bad weather and hills. I'm sure you can relate, because it doesn't just happen when I'm running. We all battle the thoughts pounding against the insides of our heads at times.
But you know, I am so thankful that I am a distance runner. The time that is poured out on roads and trails, tied into my kicks, has been more valuable by far to my heart than it will ever be to my health. As I was skipping from thought to thought, from prayer to prayer, suffering to suffering yesterday, like always, I found myself going back to asking God to provide me with the strength and stamina to run for His glory and not my own. For His grace to get me to the finish line with His joy in my heart for doing something that pushes me to the brink. To relieve me of the damaging thoughts in my mind from an enemy who despises both me and my Maker. To not give up on me. Please, don't give up on me. Then, I thought of my tiny, abandoned plants.
The other day I was watering my plants around the house and came around to two little potted guys that I transplanted in ceramic pots a couple of years ago. They were long and lanky...always green, but always looking pretty rough as far as plants go. I finally trashed the brothers after staring them down for a few minutes. I guess I thought enough was enough. But, I felt pretty bad about it. They were still alive by living standards and still fighting it out. But, I gave up on them. I didn't want to baby them any longer. I was tired of the relentless care for such minimal satisfaction when I looked at them. They were pretty pathetic, after all. As I turned them over to the will of the trash, I was instantly gripped by a much bigger thought. I was suddenly humbled to tears. Instigated by the of tossing dirt, roots and leaves. The thought that flooded my heart was complete thankfulness that The Lord doesn't give up on me.
In all my mess of life. All of my mixed up emotions and struggles with sin. All the ways I tend to tangle up things that were okay without me in the middle. He doesn't give up on me. He doesn't say, "enough is enough". He doesn't say that He's tired of the relentless care of me with little satisfaction on His part. I am certain that I can look pretty pathetic sometimes, yet The Lord never tosses me in the "lost cause" pile. He doesn't even toss me to the side. He continues to care for me and nurture me and restore me to the girl He is calling me to be. Sometimes painfully trimming my branches, sometimes re-potting me altogether. All for His glory.
God preserves the believer. And we must persevere. These two must go together always and we should not neglect either. But we must never forget that our perseverence is the result of God's preservation. We persevere because God preserves us.
So I finished the 50k and did alright. I am pleased and now I'm sitting here, feeling the hurt...which is a good thing. I always beat myself up mentally after a race, but God is reminding me there too of my health and the chance to lean on Him to meet my physical needs. I did what I could and ran it out, toughed it out, for Him. And I'll continue to go back for more because He has more to teach me. He doesn't give up on me, so I won't either. And He won't give up on you either, friends. As The Lord re-centers my mind on Him, He and reminds me of my fight song:
"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of His glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever." Jude 24-25
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