Thoughts On Being a Momma

It's been tough to know how to do this thing called "motherhood".  I know I was made for it.  I have yearned for it since I was a little girl, myself.  But, it is tough.  My heart is in the constant state of bursting with fullness in joy and aching with hurt.  However, all of that waxing and waning of my heart has done it good.  It has helped me view a bigger perspective.  It has increased it's size and capabilities.  It has changed me to the core.

I wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I quit my job in a rehab hospital as a therapist the day my water broke. I had been ready for years to love these little ones gifted to us. 

I like it when my kids see me as more than mom.  As much as I love being that to them, I also love that they are starting to view me as a person too.  When they tune into the story behind the story of why I had a rough day.  Or when they think I'm kinda funny and actually laugh at something I say.  When they get a hint of me being youthful instead of just responsible in their eyes.  I love when they want to have a conversation because we are sharing thoughts and not advice.

Here starts the problem though. The problem is that I often want this mothering gig to be about me.  My desires for ME and for MY babies.  I may think that I have their best interests at heart, but ultimately it comes down to a very selfish root.  When I see that root starting to gain strength, I need to get back in there with the clippers and cut it out.  I am rooted in Jesus Christ.  His example is sacrificing His needs and wants for the good of us.  He put His needs and desires aside to fulfill His promise to us.  When I compare that to my weak effort at sacrificial motherhood, I shrink. Jesus wanted the will of His Dad more than His own will.  It meant getting dirty, bloody and bearing pain.  

"For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of Him who sent Me."  John 6:38

Pain.  Oh, my.  The word and being a parent seem to be polar opposites in our culture.  We raise our children trying to shield them from every opportunity of hurt or hardship.  We act like super heros jumping in front of an oncoming train in order to prevent any sort of scratch or dent to their character.  I have been found guilty of it as well.  Certainly we want to understand that our children have been placed in our care for protection and to be raised intentionally, being lavished with love. But, when we are in the constant state of defending our kids' causes, this thing we do is leading to the greatest harm to their development.  If I truly have my trust in the Savior of the world, can I not allow Him to use these hurts, hardships and devastations  to shape these children?  To mold them into the strong men and woman that God has purposed them to be?  To allow them to struggle...and in a time of their lives when they have a refuge of a secure home to come to at the end of the day...so that they can become people who seek The LORD with all their hearts, souls, minds and strength.  Yes.  I want this in them way more than I desire their happiness or temporary pleasures.  I want these children to grow in the holiness of a God who knows and loves them far more than I do.

Sometimes it feels scary taking that kind of trust to heart.  I almost picture placing my kids on the edge of a cliff, with the earth thousands of feet below if they make one wrong move.  But, the reality is that there is such fullness and joy in a life lived in complete and utter trust like that.  They are watching the example I give in my own trust.  What kind of trust life will they live as they step out on their own?  Will it be one of satisfaction and joy lived in complete trust in the will of their Father?  Or will it be one of clinging to the what-ifs and shielding themselves from any hurt or pain?  I pray they go with the first...and their security in Christ who will increase their heart size for others ten fold and magnify their faith infinitely.  Here is where beauty is witnessed and your life is changed forever.

It just goes so incredibly fast.

So, this process of motherhood is about loving, expanding and letting go.  It's beautiful.  There needs to be an equal balance of letting go of the worries and the wants and living in the moment God has given.  Daily, I need to be reminded to appreciate the time today with these children and tuck each moment inside my heart for safe keeping.  I am incredibly thankful for the grace that God has given me in allowing me to care for these four souls for a short time. How much it has changed me and filled up this heart of mine.  I hope I can finish this well.  The letting go is the hardest part, but the process of it brings about some serious good stuff.

"If God had told me some time ago that He was about to make me as happy as I could be in this world and then had told me that He should begin by crippling me in arm or limb and removing me from all my usual sources of enjoyment, I should have though it a very strange mode of accomplishing His purpose.  And yet, how is His wisdom manifest even in this this.  For if you should see a man shut up in a closed room, idolizing a set of lamps and rejoicing in their light, and you wished to make him truly happy,  you would begin by blowing out all his lamps and then throw open the shutters to let in the light of heaven."  ~Samuel Rutherford