Wellspring of my soul

I should be cleaning and cooking and preparing and weeding for a big weekend for our family. The graduation of our oldest from high school. Instead, I sit here, wrapped in a blanket, wrestling away a nasty headache and typing words that have been itching to come out. I know that when I write these things, they are for my own good. Penning thoughts is an exercise for me in coming through things and realizing the growing, or process of growth. I can never decide if putting these posts out there is a good thing or not, but I do in the end because I hope that someone might find some encouragement from it, I guess.

When I ran the Boston marathon about a month ago, I went there with the highest expectations for myself that I think I have ever had. I have never trained harder or more devotedly. I went with confidence that God would bless my race and I would come home completely satisfied. That the prayers of close friends would be heard and answered for me.

That expectation came tumbling down (here is where it gets a bit raw) standing sick inside a porta-pot along the race course to Boston, rain pouring down outside, hurting and disappointed inside...wondering why in the world God hadn't given me what I asked for. My prayer was to honor Him...for God to be glorified and for me to be satisfied. How could that not work out well?

How selfish I had been. I made that so much more about my own satisfaction than about God's glorification. My satisfaction was more important and based on the wrong thing. And I know that it was, because of how greatly that disappointment affected me for several weeks. 

I admire Eric Liddell's legacy of greatness in his running and in his incredible faith...

"You came to see a race today. To see someone win. It happened to be me. But I want you to do more than just watch a race. I want you to take part in it. I want to compare faith to running in a race. It's hard. It requires concentration of will, energy of soul. You experience elation when the winner breaks the tape-especially if you've got a bet on it. But how long does that last? You go home. Maybe your dinner's burnt. Maybe you haven't got a job. So who am I to say, "Believe, have faith," in the face of life's realities? I would like to give you something more permanent, but I can only point the way. And where does the power come from, to see the race to its end? From within. Jesus said, "Behold, the Kingdom of God is within you. If with all your hearts, you truly seek me, you shall ever surely find me." If you commit yourself to the love of Christ, then that is how you run a straight race."

Truly the satisfaction comes from knowing the love of a guy who would give His life for the messed up, prideful, selfish, and undeserving...me. What grace. How humbling to hold that in my hand. 

We have been singing this song at church recently. I heard it for the first time a few weeks ago and it really convicted me in some things I have been punching around in my heart. It is titled, "My Worth Is Not In What I Own". It truly is an anthem of grace, reminding me of how easily I can veer off track from the truth on which I build my entire life. Take time to listen to the words....

To all the things we place our value on, none can even flicker in comparison to that. Worth that we place on motherhood, employment, health, age, beauty, possessions, status, fitness, experiences, relationships, children. All are fleeting and fading. The true satisfaction and true value of life is that Jesus took all my tiny worth and gave me His. What a relief for my striving heart. Reminder is good.

 And He gives really beautiful and great gifts. Good gifts like a graduate...

 beautiful friends...

a husband who loves deep and wide...

children who find joy in creation...

relationships that grow...

a desire to keep trying...

Insurmountable joy in raising kiddos...

happiness in being outside...

I realize now that despite the hardships, God did bless my race...abundantly so. With love, and sights and encouragement and devotion and strength. And He gave me a finishing time so I can go back to Boston and try again. So, maybe I will...but, it isn't so big anymore. And I'm glad. I know God gave me a gift in running also, but it's small compared to knowing Him. He is the Wellspring of my soul. My greatest treasure.

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." Philippians 3:8

Eric said "I believe God made me for a purpose, but He also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure." 

This is my claim too...in my small way.

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." ~John Piper