There were the joys. The birth of my new nephew...beautiful and healthy with a head of soft, black hair. Instant love.
I spent a full day with my kids...and they spent the day with me. It seems more and more difficult as they get older to steal them away for time together. But we made it work and we all savored the simplicity of it.
It was a sweet day I won't soon forget. We had great talks, lots of laughs and just enjoyed being together.
The week was also marked by tragedy. Two sweet friends separately grieved the deaths of daughters, one at birth and one ready to step out into the world. Later in the week, a friend of my son's was killed in an auto accident.
Loss and life. My heart and my mind can't decide even how to be in sync. Tears of joy have been mixed in a strange concoction with tears of grief...and sometimes I can't tell which ones are rolling. I ache for the mamas of these girls. I'm elated for our expanding family. I hurt for my son and his friends. The sadness of so many who are grieving for great losses current and old.
My mind has been filled with these things. It just feels so mixed up to suddenly be reminded of death in an unexpected order of life. To come to a halt in the everyday of life and realize that I have no contract tucked away somewhere that guarantees protection from a hurt such as this in my own life. To witness the pain in a small community because here we are all connected.
The problem is we tend to see life through a pinhole view. Our son, Mason had a struggle once with a pinhole view. I have been here too. This kid who has always been so confident and sure was suddenly paralyzed by fear of something that he struggled to explain. He was caught up in doubt. And it caught him big time. The doubt gave way to fear and that led to a battle within that he had never experienced. It scared him. It scared me too. We read scripture, we prayed and we talked endlessly about how he was being deceived by Satan. How Satan's goal was to wedge the fear and doubt in his heart so it would be a stumbling block in his faith. He didn't think he had enough of it...faith. He was scared he didn't have enough. It was because he was looking through a pinhole. He looked through and could only see fear and uncertainty. Want to know what changed for Mason? These verses changed him...God changed his thinking.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6
Jesus said in Matthew 17 that we need only faith the size of a mustard seed. Mason and I went and found a mustard seed so he could see how big that was. It's tiny! So tiny. When he realized that his faith was not based on how much of it he had or how hard he worked at it, but based on everything that Jesus did on that cross...MAN! It changed everything for Mas. He was a new guy. The burden was gone. The fear, the doubt. He was Mason again. The veil was lifted and he was free again.
We have all been there in one way or another. When hardship arises, we can often feel like we are looking through a hole in the fence, and all that we can see is dirt on the other side. But what if, the spot that we could see was only a piece of a giant shoreline. And beyond that fence (and the hole we were looking through) looked something like this.
Freedom, peace, assurance, calm.
I have had people tell me that I am too sensitive or that I'm fragile. And I know these are true things about me. But, I've felt a peace from The Lord about my fragility. Even though my heart has felt like it's made of paper lately, it means that it is greatly affected by people and situations. It means that life matters. And I want to be greatly affected. I want to know that I'm not hardened by life experiences. I want it all to matter. And here's the thing. It does. All of it. Every single interaction we have with everyone matters. Every life event, big and small. It matters. And when we experience loss we realize how true this is.
Sometimes what we see in front of us is really hard to shake. It's too big or too heavy. We have a hard time seeing beyond the pain to view the larger story. The gut wrenching pain of heartache can be overwhelming and we just get stuck asking why and how we don't understand. But, I'm not sure we are meant to know why most times. I really think it's too big for us. We just have to trust. We have to trust in the One who covers us, carries us and restores us. Because paper hearts are gently held in the Hands that created them.
So, jump the fence so you can get a better view. We have an enemy who wants to keep us on the other side. He wants our view to be small and filled with dirt. There is so much more to see of a larger picture. Yes, we are limited, but we can see a story greater than the immediate if we seek to find it. God is faithful to give us glimpses.
Run to The Lord with the hardships and questions and pain. He will miraculously replace those with strength and peace and hope. He understands pain. The One who took pain on Himself for each of us, will restore. He does and He will.
Here is what I know of a bigger view... A girl's life was transformed by The Lord. She rejoiced with her friends. She shared her joy. And now she is now with Jesus, face to face.
All I need to know is that when heartbreak comes, where I land is where I am rooted. I am rooted in my Savior, Jesus. For comfort. For strength. For peace. For hope. And then to give it to others because it's been given to me. And THAT is something I can freely call a blessing.
"So do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the thing that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal" 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
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