Stoking the Fire

Chloe ran competitively for a team for the first time in the fall. I was blessed to be able to coach her in her first season in cross country. She had never participated in sports in her younger years, so I was interested to watch how things would go for her. Apart from hoping running would be a good fit for her, I also had hoped she would find out what she was made of.
And she certainly did. The girl found out that she has fire in her bones.

It didn't take long for her to feel the satisfaction of pushing herself when it hurt and to be anxious to do it again. If you are an endurance athlete, you understand what I'm talking about. With three older brothers, she wasn't intimidated to get in the mix with the strongest boys on her team and allow them to help her become a stronger runner through trying to keep with them in workouts. Her grit started to show and it also started to pay off.

 Chloe started showing up in the top finishers of big races, and even winning the local meets. She found a gift and that she was making an impact. She also found that she was learning more about who she was on the inside. And this is a pretty big deal to a 13 year old. 

The beauty of running (and endurance sports, in general) is that it causes you to take a look inside of yourself and see what you are made of. No one can make up for what you may lack. No excuse can be made for falling short. It's all you, through and through. The thoughts that pour through your head during a race, overcoming fatigue and cramps, pacing, focusing on speed rather than pain....it's all a process of learning and maturing that only you can master for yourself. 

The fire and passion she is learning through running is one that I pray she will hold onto for the rest of her life. Not that she will see running as her most valuable accomplishment, but that she will continue to learn about what The Lord has accomplished for her on the cross. That He has set a fire in her bones that burns for Him. That through this beautiful platform of running, she will she give Him glory and that she will be satisfied in what He accomplishes through her. And though desires will wax and wane, He will always stoke that fire within her to pursue Him to her fullest. I pray that she uses that fire to show compassion for the hurting and to recognize the struggle in human hearts beyond her own. To extend grace and mercy and great love. 

So my job is to be a fire stoker. To fan the flame and be sure there is heat being produced. I didn't start the fire, but I can be sure to do my best to keep it lit by holding her accountable in both running and much more so in her faith. To set an example of being a girl on fire myself, whose faith is strong and who lives a life that honors my Savior....far from perfection, but filled with grace that I have received and can extend to the world.

"It's not important who does the planting, or who does the watering. What's important is that God makes the seed grow."  

~Corinthians 3:7

I am incredibly thankful for this girl, who is quickly becoming a young woman. She teaches me so much about my own heart. We are cut from the same cloth. I'm helping her learn that it's good to feel most everything. But, it's learning to use it to not feel bad for yourself, but to see inside the hearts of people in the race alongside you. To encourage them when they stumble so you, yourself can be encouraged too. Teenage years are tough stuff, but I know she is well stoked for the race.

No Ruin

My kids went back to school this week. Our third son, Mason, started his freshman year in high school. He had about as bad of a first day of high school as it could have been. Many things happened that just made it a rough day. And of course entrance into high school would not be complete without a traumatic locker experience with a mean kid and a cranky, impatient teacher. Unfortunately, it was a bad day for him. But thankfully, he chose another option than to label it that way and relish in it. He said he decided right in the moment he was being yelled at for something he didn't understand, he thought to himself  "I won't let this ruin me today".

How many times within a given day I have that choice. To get mad because of the impatience or disrespect or injustice shown to me...to continue the process and poison others with medicine that I had to take. Or to choose to not be ruined by it. To decide that I want to reverse the impending outcome of the diagnosis of being wronged. To choose to pass along only grace and respect and honor to others...no matter how they treat me.

I had a conversation with some friends recently about how drivers treat cyclists and runners when out on the roads. There have been a lot of recent news events, especially in the cycling community about sharing the roads and the high risks involved. I was mentioning that Brad has taught me a lot about riding, but also I see the respect he shows vehicles as they pass us while riding. Even if someone is rude or threatening when passing, he never responds with showing anger in return. If he did, it could have implications for how that driver responds to the next cyclist, or even comes back to respond to us! His actions represent all cyclists when we are out riding. His actions give drivers a positive view of cyclists for the whole community of cyclists.

The point is not necessarily cycling etiquette or not letting a mean person ruin your day, although both are good things. I guess my point is that in a world where the tension is so incredibly high in regards to how others treat us and what injustice we feel afflicted by, maybe, we can personally snuff it the moment it hits our souls. Maybe we can say, this attitude shall not pass beyond where it came to me. And the attitude I choose to pass with be that of kindness and respect and good virtue.

There is so much injustice, both in the past and currently. So much that isn't fair in the world. I finished reading 'The Help' recently. What a fantastic book. Truly one of the best fiction books I've read that mimics historical reality. It stirred in me a greater desire to call out oppression and discrimination when I see it. To acknowledge it and fight for it. But I also noticed that the heroine of the story, Abilene, only ever showed grace and mercy even to those who treated her with disdain. She was frustrated and hurt by oppression, but she fought back for the reverse. Through her gentle spirit, she became the greatest warrior for the kindness and change of attitudes in human hearts. And isn't this what the greatest changers of attitudes have done? There is a true gift in feeling an offense, not receiving it and passing along mercy to the next.

So, I was reminded again that I have the power to change the world. Or at least my tiny piece of it for the brief time I'm on it. It's a pretty cool feeling to know that we have that kind of power. It's all within a choice. I refuse cynicism. We are all working through this life with different experiences and perspectives. I can make those moments a little bit better for the people I encounter by not being ruined by the rough spots that come to me. And I have a chance to represent a community of people who see hope and want good for others.

"If you see your enemy hungry, go buy him lunch; if he's thirsty, bring him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness, and God will look after you." Proverbs 25:22

Things I learned in 43.

On the last night of the last day I was 43, I rode my bike in the woods, then walked straight into the river and soaked. I definitely soaked in the ride and the sultry, summer night, the crickets and sounds of the woods, and the revival I felt of being alone in the cool river. But more than that, I soaked in the closing out of my 43rd year of life. I never used to do this, but the past few I have. Somehow reliving moments, gains, losses, snapshots, failure, frustration, exhilaration, achievement, and most of all JOY, all in all is incredibly satisfying. Not necessarily singularly, but as a whole. A year in a life of a human.
Maybe I do it because I feel incredibly loved and cared for or maybe because we never know when it will all come to an end. Regardless, reflecting is something I love to do and propels me forward to the next.
A couple of years ago, I wrote things I learned in 41. It was a good exercise in recalling events and how they shaped where I am from where I was. I kept a little journal on my phone this past year to do the same for 43. Sometimes I would think of something and pull the car over in order to write it down, sometimes I would forget about it for months. So, here are some things I learned in 43. Not all, but some. Some are just for me, but some I thought would be sweet to share because they were sweet to me.

*I am thinking that the most meaningful jobs are little to no pay. I don't have any experience in getting paid big bucks, but I'm guessing that this must be the case based on the acceptance of "little to no salary" positions that I tend to sign on for.

*Middle school kids are pretty much the best brand of humans. My thoughts may be in the minority, but I encourage you to spend some solid time with some and you'll see what I'm talking about. They have an unabashed quality about them...both childlike and desiring adulthood all at once. They crave your advice and are beautifully authentic about who they are.

*Trying new things is super fun. It can be super scary, but the fun-ness outweighs the scariness, so you should just go for it. Regret is always in the not trying and rarely in the trying. I hope I never stop trying new things.

...even a haircut

*My kids aren't WHO I am. They will leave and change and become their own humans. This is very good. And satisfying for them and me. And it's freeing...once I figured out that it was the things I just said.

*Most people aren't like me. That is good. For all of us!

*Encouraging others is way more fun than looking for ways to be encouraged.

*I really love to drive for hours and hours and miles and miles....listening to good music and dreaming.

*It's really easy to be changed by grumpy, complaining people. It's amazing though what can happen when you decide to stop letting them affect you, and you go be the effect. Crazy amazing!

*God's Word continues to challenge and refine me. And often not in ways that I see coming. He calls me out and sets me straight as only a loving Dad could do. He also shows me what a truly persevering life with Him looks like. Grace begets grace. I love how carefully and diligently He works with my heart.

*Adult-ish children are really wonderful.

*I would never suggest to live beyond your means, but I would highly suggest to live beneath your years.

*Pour yourself into your family. Not an ounce of time is ever wasted.

*Smile. Alot. And mean it.

*There will never be any regret in spending as much time as possible with your spouse. There is a gold mine found there.

*Doubt your doubt. Truly. When doubt worms it's way into my head, I have to question where that came from. Hold steady to truth.

*Walking away from God means opening ourselves up to embracing depravity. Loving His Word means that I'll fight for justice and righteousness with all that I am. In a time when all of humanity is questioning what is right and what isn't, I have been reminded that God is the ultimate Authority. So, I will keep following Jesus, even when the way is rough. He is my only way to keep from living my life confused and aimless.

*It didn't take long for my kids to grow taller or faster or smarter than me. BUT, I will always be a touch wiser in things related to living. I also know that I need to keep searching and seeking it.

*Standing for justice also means reaching far and wide with loving mercy.

*The ripple effect of every choice we make is way bigger than each of us conceive. The good can be seen in generational beauty for decades. Decisions that fracture are far reaching. Way more than we imagine that it matters. I realize I need to weigh carefully decisions that remain focused on myself. Putting self first is rarely a good thing...if ever.

*I was given a friend for the rest of my life when I gave birth to that Chloe Rose. What a privilege it's been to care for this friend in her most fragile state and then witness her blossom into a beautiful soul.

Truth Trumps Feeling

 Sometimes things happen to us and we don't know why they happen. However, I am a big believer in everything happening for a reason that will help us grow...if we look for the lesson within it. Typically it's the hard stuff that makes me grow the best. I guess I need difficult lessons for my stubborn heart. But, I am okay with that because they tend to be beautiful lessons that I get to hang on to for a long, long time. 

I had been struggling with injury, probably from not caring for my body like I should have, for about 2 years. I was wrung out from running a lot of long, intensive miles training for both road and trail races. I was frustrated, tired and beaten up. Brad had been trying to convince me for a long time to throw myself into cycling, but I fought it since I had embraced running as my only love. I finally had to cave into giving something else a try after a diagnosis of an annular tear in my back which was causing the ongoing pain and tremendous frustration. I decided that I would start cycling and see what happens. 

Brad has been mountain biking for quite a while and not only does it, but he's excellent at it. He races in the expert class all around Ohio and ends up on the podium at most of them. He makes it look very easy. This became especially apparent after I decided to sign up for the Mohican 100k Mountain Bike race.  As soon as I put the tires to the dirt on the trails with racing in mind, I realized I was completely out of my mind for signing up. I was not what mountain bikers are made of. I thought I had guts, but they must have left my body the moment I pushed "send" on my race entry. So the waxing and waning of my fear and courage, strength and weakness, faltering and determination began. 

Here are some snapshots  of this journey and it went like this:

Miles on the road, miles on the trails and miles on the trainer began at the first of the year. Brad set into coach mode and kept me challenged, motivated, encouraged and sometimes almost vomiting with pushing me into competing shape.

There were plenty of days that I was certain I belonged more on the bike below rather than than one above. "Completely out of my league" was the circling thought many days.

 

I had a lot of cold, miserable winter miles with frozen feet and hands. This hat became a necessity in more ways than just keeping my noggin warm.

I remember one morning on the drive down to Mohican sitting here waiting for the train to pass, feeling incredibly defeated....defeated solely by the thoughts in my head. I had been tossed from my bike enough times to still feel the ache of the previous time and the voices telling me to give up on this day seemed to be louder than the ones that told me to get going. As I sat pondering the ride ahead, the barriers went up, I drove through, and The Lord blessed me that day with a great ride. A better than ever ride.
The first few miles of these trail rides were daunting in the beginning. I was tentative and nervous. I prayed a hard in the opening miles for confidence and energy and strength. He always delivered and He always showed me something about myself and about Him.



And constant snapshots of growth and beauty. Mohican is one of my very favorite spots to be.

 Some rides had bigger obstacles than others.

 

This particular ride was the first of which Brad planned that we would ride most of the loop then hit many of the back roads that are in the race. We met up here and then climbed to the top of the trees.

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I was greatly encouraged by dear friends who cared about the challenges I was working through. I am so thankful for friends who pushed me along, asked me how it was going and told me that they believed I could do this and prayed for me. How wonderful is the beauty in pushing each other along in life, reminding each other that we can do it.

Like a sister to me.

And this one...a beautiful encourager in my life.

Trail friends who are amazing supporters of each other.

 

The very best part of this whole focus shift into cycling training has been the enormous amount of time I have gotten to spend with him. He has been my constant encourager, motivator and knowledge base. We have had a blast doing this together...which has made every mile & every minute worth while.

Through this, my body is getting much stronger, I am recovering my energy, and finding huge joy in this new focus...and love for it!

I also have been constantly encouraged by a very raw need for strength and fearlessness. What a powerful reminder in Joshua that God promises to give it generously and stick with me through it. God walked with me through many feelings of inferiority and doubt as I trained for this race. I am so thankful for the process and for the way He always showed up to infuse courage where I was lacking it in big ways.

I remember this morning well. I decided to attend a huge group mountain bike ride. Brad had to work, so I would be on my own. This was a scary day for me because I was pushing myself to experience the trail with A LOT of other experienced riders...up until this point I was riding on trails with basically no one around. I knew I needed to do this to prepare for the race which would have 600-700 riders. But wow, was I scared! I woke Chloe up that morning to tell her I wasn't sure if I should go. She held my hand and said, "I know you can do it, mom!" And we prayed together. I look back at how small that actually was, but so big at the time for my confidence. The fear in me died a little more that day.

 This was a big mileage day with Brad on road bikes. We sought out as many climbs mixed with miles as we could. (Here at the top of Mt. Jeez.) This day the rain sought us out too and it was cold, wet and challenging to deal with. We had a great time, as always. 

Pretty much the view I have on all my rides. My work in keeping close to the fast in front of me has been the key to getting faster. But it is hard!

I love off the 'main road' rides. We see the most beautiful sights. Next to being in the woods, gravel riding is the best and there are tons of crazy gravel roads to be ridden in southern Ashland and Holmes counties. So much fun!

I was thinking a lot about the sections of the race that are considered hike-a-bike. It seems as if getting off the bike to push would be a welcome change, but it's not. Pushing is hard and it's often on crazy-steep or really rocky horse trails. This was my first practice at pushing up "Big A" hill after riding the full loop (24 miles). I was pretty happy that it wasn't as horrible as I had thought it would be though. I have run up "Big A" many, many times during trail runs. Adding a bike and being in cleats was certainly more challenging to me.

This was the day that I told Brad I felt like I made a mistake in signing up to race. Seeing the sign downtown felt too real and scary. BUT....

By the end of the ride that day, I felt like The Lord had restored my confidence and focus. We had ridden the start, the finish and some in between sections to keep our legs awake. It was a beautiful day and by the end the excitement was back. Race day is 3 days away!!
Now the work was done. There was nothing more I could do.

Two days later, (the day before the race), I woke up feeling run down, sick, achy, exhausted and as far from race ready as I could have been. I even struggled with a migraine all evening and into the night before the race. The doubt flooded my mind, and I was feeling every achy bone in my body. I couldn't believe that here I was...feeling like this. But...

And this text I received from my friend, Jamie who knows competition and nervousness...and me. It sunk deep and I was thankful for it.

And more messages that meant the world to me and perked me up mentally.

So race day arrived. I woke up after only getting about 4 hours of restless sleep and still had remnants of a migraine. But, I also had this spark of determination and nervous energy brewing. I choked down a bagel, banana and coffee on the car ride down to Loudonville.  Brad was perky and as cool as ever. I was so thankful to be beside him for the whole journey and now setting up our bikes, warming up and praying for each other's day ahead felt surreal. 

Here I am at the starting line.

 ...and to the back left of this crowd. It's a crazy start right downtown!

Mountain bike races are a lot of waiting and chasing around. I am so incredibly thankful that my mom and dad and our kiddos wanted to be here cheering us on. This day is always a long one. Here they are at mile marker 8. I knew they would be there and was thrilled to hear their cheers!

After getting a good start out of downtown, we hit the single track after about 5 miles of spreading out on the road. And then the bottle necking began. For the next 2 miles or so, the trail was really congested and it got pretty frustrating to not be able to just go. But soon that eased up and I was able to set into my own pace. The pic above is around 15 miles into the race. I had gotten through a couple difficult sections for me and I felt so glad to be here and ready to grind up the long climb, which is my favorite thing to do.

Brad flying. And smiling!
This guy had an amazing race. He felt great and was strong the whole time. Afterwards we talked about how we each kept wondering where the other was and praying it was going well. This was probably the only downside of us both racing...that I wasn't able to follow him and cheer him on like I always do. Hence, not too many pictures of him.

Pushing up "Big A" hill about 27 miles in with Heidi, Kim and Emily there to root me on to the top. I was so happy to hear those sweet girl voices and cheers! I had only crashed twice by now and neither one was bad. Feeling so happy to be feeling great and energetic.

 At aid station 2 and still feeling terrific (about 34 miles in)! Loved seeing many of my trail friends here. I was riding near some other racers as we were close to approaching Buckhaven. I was telling them that many of my friends were going to be here and I couldn't wait to see them. It feels so good to be cared for in things like this. I am thankful for all the volunteers.

I met so many great people along the way. I was so happy with how great I felt and it never entered my mind to slow down or quit. In fact, even though I was tired toward the end of the 100k, I was feeling sad that it was almost over. Brad helped prepare me so well.
I met some great guys out on the gravel road sections in the second half of the race who kept me motivated and riding strong. The single track at the Wilderness ended up going much faster than I thought it would despite being difficult. Lots of friends and family were at the last 2 aid stations which actually came quickly. Soon I was riding the last short loop of the race and heading down the descent to the metal bridge in the campground. This would have been a scary place for me in the past. But not now. I was feeling confident and strong. A few guys were standing there watching racers and cheered my efforts on,which gave me a big boost.

The finish line! (8:00:07) Made my goal.

I was so proud of him. He came in 22nd overall with a PR time of 5:17. Incredible.

I am still amazed at how great I felt (and continued to feel in the days following).

It's super fun living life with him.

So, there it is...a small album of this journey I was on. I thought this would be the end of it...here at the end of this race. But it's not. It's just the beginning. It's just Chapter 1 because I found out I bloomed into something new in this chapter. I found new and different strength. I met bravery in a way I never had before. I saw fear die. And I felt the magnificent power of what God can do within a person who doesn't have much to give. I give Him all the praise in the end. The woods heard a lot of talking from me to God over these past several months. And I heard multitudes from Him. I am already making my goals for this race next year as well as eyeing a few other races this summer.

Behind all my trying and all my doubt and all my desire to find new joy in competition, there is a great God who cares. He cares about the things that are meaningful to me. He realigns my thinking at times so that the lessons I learn aren't just about the thing, but about what He wants me to know about Him through these and to trust Him deeper. He cares about you too. I promise. And He is bigger than any feelings that are flooded with doubt and fear.

"God Himself is right alongside to keep you steady and on track until things are all wrapped up by Jesus. 

God, who got you started on this spiritual adventure, 

shares with us the life of His Son & our Master Jesus. 

He will never give up on you. Never forget that." 

1 Corinthians 1:8-9